I found myself in a strange frame of mind - kind of sad, but also brimming with things to say; effusive but silent. As I sat in my room trying to decide what to do next, I suddenly realized my brain - and my heart - were trying to tell me to write! I have a few ideas for more extensive projects I want to start working on, but at this moment I just wanted to get down on the page what was swirling around in my brain. So I decided to try an experiment. I opened my notebook, positioned my pen at the top of the paper...and closed my eyes. Yes, I wrote with my eyes closed. It's weird, but I find that it really helps eliminate some of that inner critic who cringes when she sees the words I've just written.
I'm not saying that what I wrote with my eyes closed - what I'm about to post here - is good writing. [Requisite apron-wringing ahead] I feel it's kind of melodramatic and, for lack of a better word, emo, dangerously similar to what I was writing in high school. But it's what was in my mind, what was in my heart, and now it's what's on the page. I didn't change anything; nothing got erased or crossed out or edited. My eyes were closed, but my heart was open.
I am someone who feels intensely, and while that's a good thing because it makes me a better friend, it makes me hurt, too. I feel pain for everyone who's hurting, everyone who's aching. I feel the pain of all who are crying, all who are sick and heartbroken. I even feel the pain of those who aren't hurting anymore but once were. I cry their tears as well as my own. Their ruminations become mine and despite how desperately I try to keep them all safe, I can never hold onto them tight enough to make all our pain go away.
I am the color red: intense, fiery, and passionate. I am fire and water mixed into one decanter and swirled until the oceans burn and the beaches turn to ash.
I am everything; I am everyone. And yet inside I am as empty as I am full and brimming.
Inside me is a burning, churning sea of tears, where a thousand souls tread water, clinging to each other with all we are, hoping we'll stay afloat for one more day.
